The Life and Loves of Sirius Black
by fuzzyfishbowl
Summary: As Sirius falls through the veil, he thinks about all the women in his life...*FINISHED*
1. Sicilia and Willow

Okay, I don't own Harry Potter. I mean, dur. Anyway, this is a fanfic from Sirius Black's POV. He's having flashbacks as he's dying. Read on...  
  
Chapter One:  
  
Some say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. You see everything you did, everyone you loved and loathed, all in one second. It feels like you live your life all over again.  
  
As I felt myself falling beyond the veil, I felt that. Not my whole life, though: I didn't see my cold-hearted family, or even much of my best friends. But I did see them.  
  
The women of my life, every last one of them, from Sicilia Vincent to the nameless woman in a run-down pub. Everyone woman I'd ever loved and hurt, or been hurt by. Every detail of my time with them, short or long...  
  
First came Sicilia. I was the ladies' man from the time I was four. That's when I met her, in the playground at the park. Not one of those Muggle parks: Mother detested Muggles, and besides, those parks were always boring to me, with their slides and boxes of sand. No, wizard parks were cooler then that.  
  
So Mother actually took me to the park. She was pregnaut with Regulus at the time, so she sat on one of the benches and watched as I flew two feet off the ground on a toy broom. After I fell off and Mother scolded me for getting my robes dirty, I went off to stand in line for The Cannon: a contraption that you climb inside and are shot into the air in.  
  
There was a girl in front of me in line, and the line was long. She had curly black hair and a mouth full of baby teeth. Her cheeks, flushed from the heat of the day, were still pudgy from baby fat.  
  
"Can I have cuts?" I asked her, desperate to move up. She shook her head and turned away. "I'll put flobberworms in your hair if you don't let me!" I said desperately.  
  
"I'll tell my mummy if you do!" she said, crossing her arms and scowling. Then she said, "I'll let you have cuts if you kiss me."  
  
"Yuk, I don't want cooties!" I said in disgust.  
  
"Cooties is a Muggle word, stupid," she said. "You don't get anything from a kiss."  
  
"If I kiss you, you'll let me in front of you?" She nodded, so I leaned in and peaked her on the lips. She let me in front of her.  
  
My first kiss, at the age of four. Nothing special, just something I did to move up in line. Amazing how young I learned...  
  
***********  
  
I didn't have another girl experience for several years. When I was eight, I was walking down Grimmauld Place when I saw a group of kids from the nearby Muggle school. I stopped and looked at them. They wore their uniforms, and were staring at me, probably wondering who the kid was. I recognized one girl: Willow Jauger, a bony, straight-haired girl, lived on the next street. She pointed to me, and then yelled, "Black!"  
  
I was happy to join the Muggle kids. I was lonely, living in a Muggle neighborhood with only stupid little Regulus to play with, and he was no fun, always snitching to Mother whenever I "accidentally" hit him. Oops.  
  
"Who're you?" a boy in the group asked when I came over.  
  
"Sirius Black."  
  
"Why don't you go to our school?" he demanded.  
  
"I told you, he's homeschooled by his mum, right?" Willow said, saving me from responding. I nodded.   
  
"Yeah, homeschooled." That was what I had once told her. I didn't know what it was: Mother had told me to say that to anyone who asked.  
  
"Oh, think you're too good for regular school?" another boy, bigger then me, demanded.  
  
"If there are gits like you there, I'm glad I'm not," I shot back. I never know when I keep my mouth shut.  
  
Well, the two boys in the group started chasing me down the street, as Willow yelled after them to stop. I turned a corner, and disapeared.  
  
"Where'd he go?" I heard the fat bloke demand to his friend. They didn't see me sitting at the top of the tree. Ha ha losers, magic saves the day.  
  
"Come on, let's go," the other said.  
  
Willow came walking along a little while later, heading for home. I heard her hiss, "Sirius? Where are you?"  
  
"Up here!" I called. She stared up at me. I jumped down, landing in a cat-like position before her. She gasped.  
  
"That...you...how..."  
  
I grinned. "Must be magic." Then I felt stupid for saying that: Willow was a Muggle, after all, and I didn't need to go spreading around that I was a wizard. The kids in the neighborhood that did know me thought I was strange enough.  
  
"You wanna come to my house for tea?" she asked. "Mum said it was alright if I invited someone..."  
  
I didn't really care about asking my mum if I could go to tea at a Muggle's house. She would've said no, anyway, so why ask? So I went with Willow to her house.  
  
Willow's house was much brighter then mine, and there weren't creepy house-elf heads lining the walls. Her mum seemed nice enough, with her simple dress and apron and smile. She was certainly a good change from my mum, with her robes and shawls and clinky jewlery, and her constant scowl. Honestly, the woman looked like some sort of wannabe seer!  
  
I was happy that Mrs. Jauger didn't ask me where I lived: to Muggles, there is no such thing as Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. I went to tea a lot at the Jaugers, at least twice a week for nearly three months, and Mum was none the wiser as to my whereabouts.   
  
Willow and I had fun. We would play in her room. Did I mind playing with dolls? Not really: it beat having Regulus cry everytime I beat him at Wizard Chess. Was it my fault he didn't know how to play? Besides, the doll playing wasn't too bad: Willow made up for that...  
  
So we kissed a few times. We probably were a little more friendly then we should have been at the tender age of eight (although I think Willow was nine). But it was all in good fun. Besides, as long as Mum didn't find out...  
  
But stupid Regulus had to get in the way. He saw me with Willow one day. I threatened and pleaded and bargained with him, but when my brother got it on his mind to snitch on me. He loved to watch Mum spank me with her broom.  
  
"A MUGGLE?" she thundered. "How COULD you? You're besmirching the name of Black, Sirius..." I smiled at the word "besmirching", but Mum was being perfectly serious.  
  
So I was grounded. Willow thought I was snobby for not playing with her anymore, and she sent her little bloke friends after me. I narrowly escaped, hiding out on Number 7 Grimmauld Place's roof for two hours.  
  
Those were my two experiences with girls before school. Hogwarts must have been were I had the most meaningful experiences with love... 


	2. Isabella and Ariande

Part Two:  
  
I met her on the Hogwarts Express. My first time heading to the school. I was scared out of my mind, but was trying to keep a cool front. I met some other boys my age: I was sitting with James Potter and Remus Lupin in their compartment, trading chocolate frogs and laughing. Then there was Severus Snape...  
  
He'd just finished bothering us, the slimeball, and was walking out after James threatened to turn him into a pumpkin. When Snape was out of earshot, I asked in amazement, "Can you really do that?"  
  
"No," James said with a laugh, stuffing his wand back into his pocket. "But that's okay, I will eventually..."  
  
Suddenly, I saw her: a tall girl with short brown hair and piercing eyes and same color as the chocolate frogs passed by our compartment. She looked in the window, curious as she heard the sound of laughter. I caught her eye, and she smiled and walked on.  
  
Hours later, we were sorted into our houses. Remus, James, and I were all in Gryffindor.  
  
So was the girl.  
  
She was actually a year ahead of us, second. An older woman, I thought. I sat as close to her as I could during the feast. I kept trying to catch her eye, and she would smile at me.  
  
When the feast was over, the first years were called to follow the prefects. I ignored them, waving at my classmates to go on, I wanted to finish my pudding. But about ten minutes later, I regretted it: I was all alone, and I had no idea where the Gryffindor common room was.  
  
Suddenly, she appeared. "Are you lost?" she asked, smiling at my dispense. I tried to be cool.  
  
"No, of course not..."  
  
"Great, see ya..."  
  
"Wait!" I called, walking after her. "Actually...do you know where the common room is?"  
  
She smiled again. "Come with me."  
  
I found out that her name was Isabella Ricktor, and I noticed that she had a habit of wrapping a short strand of hair around her little finger.   
  
We reached the portrait of a fat lady in a pink dress. "Cornonolla," she said, and the picture swung open. She explained that you have to know a password to get into the common room. "So the other houses can't get in. But look out: it changes every few months."  
  
"Thanks," I said. The common room was emptying out: kids wanted to settle into their dormitories before classes the next day. "Well...good night."  
  
"Wait!" she called, just as I had before. I turned around. She was twirling that same strand of hair with her pinkie. I was facinated.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
She came over to me. "You...never told me your name."  
  
"Black," I said with what I hoped was a mysterious smile. "Sirius Black."  
  
"Okay, Black...Sirius Black," she said. "Good night. See you tomorrow." She walked away, turning her head once and, I could've sworn, she winked.  
  
I bragged to the boys in my dormitory about the hot year two girl that helped me get back to the tower. James elbowed me and said, "Way to go, man,", Remus smiled, not really knowing what to say, and Pettigrew (that son of a bitch), looked mildly embarressed.  
  
The next day, I found Isabella waiting for me in the common room. "Hi, Sirius. I thought we might, you know, walk down to breakfast together?"  
  
"Sure," I said, loving the looks I was getting from the first, second, and even some third year boys. I even slipped my arm around her waist, as if to say, hey, look, you losers. My first day here and I've sacked a girl.  
  
But things went bad from the start. Sure, she was good a kissing and all: they weren't the little pecks I'd gotten from Sicilia and Willow. But she was also very clingy. She wanted me to walk her to class and carry her bag, which was heavy. She followed me to the Owlery when I tried sending letters to family. She sat next to me, listening in almost an annoying way as I tried to talk to my friends about Quiditch.  
  
Finally, enough was enough. Right before Halloween, I had to break it off. James was shocked. "Dude, she's the hottest underclassman in Gryffindor! You can't break up with her."  
  
I shook my head. "I gotta, James. She's getting really annoying..."  
  
I didn't get up the nerve until right before the Halloween feast. "Come on, Sirius," she said as she knocked on the door of my dormitory. "We gotta hurry, the feast is about to start!"  
  
The dormitory was empty: the other guys had long since left. I knew that we would be alone...  
  
"Come on in, I'm almost ready."  
  
Isabella came in, grinning. "Come on, Mr. Primadonna. You look absolutely perfect." She leaned in to kiss me.  
  
Now or never...  
  
I backed away. "Isabella...we need to talk."  
  
She stepped back. "Um...okay..."  
  
"I think we should, you know, break up."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I don't think I'm ready...you know, for a relationship..."  
  
"I don't believe this!" she whispered, her eyes narrowing.   
  
"Isabella, I-"  
  
"I knew it!" she cried. "I knew you were too immature for a relationship!"  
  
"I'm eleven! What do you expect!"  
  
"Oh!" She stormed out of the room, slamming the door. I looked in the mirror, sighed in relief, and went down to the feast...  
  
***********  
  
Isabella wasn't the only girlfriend I had my first year. I took a few months hiatus from girls, but that all changed after a bad lesson in Transfiguration...  
  
"A "D"!" I exclaimed, showing James and the others my paper. "I can't believe I got a "D"!"  
  
"Whoa, it's no big deal," James said with a shrug. "I mean, I didn't do too hot either..."  
  
"What, only an "E" for you?" I said with disgust. "And what about you Remus?"  
  
He sighed. "It wasn't like it was an important test, Sirius..."  
  
"So you got an "E" too, eh?"  
  
"Sirius, I got a "D"..."  
  
"Well, you're an idiot, Pettigrew," I said angrily. The pudgy little wannabe shrank back.  
  
Suddenly, I spotted her. The Little-Miss-Know-It-All of the class, Ariande McPierson, was walking away with her friends. I caught sight of her paper...an "O"!  
  
I grinned, coming up with an idea. James and Remus wouldn't let me copy their notes, and Pettigrew wasn't worth bothering with. But if I could get Ariande to...  
  
"I'll see you guys in a second," I said, hurrying to catch up with her. She, too, had separated from her friends. While everyone eles headed to lunch, she seemed to be going back to Gryffindor Tower.  
  
"Ariande?"  
  
She turned around, and narrowed her eyes at me. For a brain, she wasn't exactly a troll: she had dark eyes, almost black, with gold shimmers in them. Her dark hair was in a high bun: she was a little Professor McGonagall.  
  
"It's Annie," she said in a cold voice.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Only my grandparents call me by that name," she said, her voice full of loathing. "Everyone eles calls me Annie."  
  
I let out a fake sigh of relief. "Good. That name of yours was looking too hard for me."  
  
She bit her lip to prevent a smile. I had her...  
  
I offered to carry her books back to the tower for her. "So, why aren't you going to lunch?"  
  
"The History of Magic test is afterwards, and I want to go over my notes."   
  
I thought I'd struck gold. I was starting to tank in that class, too. "Yeah, me, too. So...wanna study together?"  
  
And with a little sweet talk, I practically got her to hand her notes over to me. "Thanks so much for studying with me. You're a much better teacher then that old bat..."  
  
She giggled. "Well, I just have to pinch myself every once in awhile to stay awake."  
  
I laughed. This girl, being a little brain and all, was actually kind of cool.  
  
This went on for a couple of months, until just before exams. It was all James' fault that it ended. I actually liked Annie...a lot, actually. But for all the other guys knew, I was only "putting up" with her to get a hold of her notes.  
  
It was after Defense Against the Dark Arts one day, and we'd just gotten the results from a particularly nasty test. James was moaning about his "D". "So...what'd you get, Sirius?"  
  
"Oh, just a..." I had to fight to keep my grin back as James snatched my paper.  
  
"Blimey! Sirius got an "E"!"  
  
Remus snatched my paper, glanced it, and said, "Well done." Pettigrew, the pathetic slime, looked quite impressed. James, of course, was jealous.  
  
"Got that little girlfriend of yours to hand over your notes again, did you?"  
  
"Shhhhh!" I hissed, looking around. "Shut up!" James laughed.   
  
"Don't worry, Annie isn't even around! She had to go to the hospital wing after that potions accident, remember?"  
  
"I should probably go and see her...after lunch," I decided. "A good excuse to miss some of charms..."  
  
So after stuffing my face full of whatever, I went up to the hospital wing, like a devoted little boyfriend. Annie's friend Nancy was just leaving, and I swore that she shot me a dirty look on the way out. "Bitch," I mumbled under my breath.  
  
I put on a smile for my girlfriend, who was laying in a bed. "Looks like Madam Pomfrey made the swelling go down." That moron Severus Snape had knocked over a cauldren full of a growing potion, splashing it on some of the other kids in the class. But of course, it had been me who had to clean it up.  
  
Annie didn't return the smile as I sat down. She frowned at me. "Nancy just told me something...interesting."  
  
"Oh?" I fiddled with the strapes on my bag.   
  
"Yeah." She cleared her throat. "Um...she heard you and your friends talking, after Defense Against the Dark Arts."  
  
I could feel my blood run cold. "And...?" I knew what she was going to say.  
  
"So you've been using me for my notes, have you?" Her voice was calm and cold, and sent shivers through me.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Well, that's what it sounded like to Nancy." She gave me a really dirty look. "I should've known that's why you wanted to go out with me. It's not like you think I'm pretty or anything..."  
  
"That's not true, Annie!"  
  
She snorted. "I know your type. You think you're so great, just because you're cute and charming. Well you know what, Black? I fell for your act...but not anymore."  
  
"Annie, please-"  
  
"As far as you're concerned, my name is Ariande." Her voice didn't go up. She was speaking very quietly. But all the other victims of the potions accident was staring over at us.  
  
"An-"  
  
"Get out of my sight, Black."  
  
I had no choice. I got up and left. Not a word. Didn't know what to say. Because the truth was...I'd really liked that girl. The notes thing was what it had been about in the beginning, but it turned into more...  
  
But I guess it didn't matter anymore. 


	3. Daphne the Psychopath

Part Three:  
  
After my not so pleasant experience with Ariande, which left me feeling a bit sympathetic towards Isabella about the way I treated her, I returned to school for my second year, determined not to let girls get in the way.  
  
Of course, that changed rather quickly.  
  
Quidditch tryouts for Gryffindor were coming up, and James was determined to get the one open Chaser spot. "Come on, Sirius, you should try out. It'd be great to be on the team together..."  
  
I considered it. After all, there were three other spots open: both Beaters and the Keeper. I figured, hell, may as well try for a Beater spot.  
  
More people tried out then I would have figured. There were about seven others trying out for Beater. I didn't think I had much of a chance: there were at least three players better then me. I wasn't so bad, but I didn't think I'd make it.  
  
James, of course, smoked the try-outs. The youngest of the four to try out for Chaser, he was the fastest and most precise of them all. Clearly, he would get on the team.  
  
But the captain, a fifth year girl named Daphne Bell, announced that she wouldn't be putting up the results for another week.  
  
"A week? I can't wait a week!" I complained to James as we headed back to the school.  
  
"I know what you mean. I mean, just get it over with, and-"  
  
"Please, James. You know you're going to get Chaser." I sighed. "I don't think I can take it. I'm going to talk to this girl. See you later."  
  
Daphne had gone into her captain's office, and I knocked on the door. "Come in," she called.  
  
I opened the door and stepped into the dim office. Daphne, a bean-pole of a girl with frizzy dirty-blond hair, dull grey eyes, and a gap between her two front teeth, looked up from where she sat at her desk. "Black, right?"  
  
I nodded. "I know that you said...about the results being posted in a week. But I don't think I can wait that long." She nodded, and I continued, "Just, give it to me now: I didn't make it, did I?"  
  
Daphne stood up. "I'm still deciding. You have a lot of promise out there..."  
  
"But...?"  
  
"Well...you don't seem ready for the team." She gave me a small smile. "I'm thinking that I'll pick Gamble and Longbottom for the Beaters."  
  
I snorted. "Gamble?"  
  
She raised her eyebrows. "What?"  
  
I sighed. "Well...I thought that even I did better then Gamble. But I think I'd go with Lionel, or-"  
  
Daphne suddenly let out a cry of frustration. "That's why I had to give myself a week, Black. This is impossible! I shouldn't be captain!" I wasn't exactly ready for her breakdown, so I started to edge for the door.  
  
"Well...thanks. It's good to know that-"  
  
"Wait!" she cried. I stopped, my hand on the doorknob. She came over to me, pinning me to the door. "I haven't made my choice yet. But maybe you could...persuade me a little?" She leaned in and started kissing me.  
  
I was in shook. Daphne was fifteen, as I was only twelve. Sure, I knew the girls thought I was "hot": I saw them all giggling about me everytime they thought I wasn't listening. But these were first, second, and third year girls...not fifth!  
  
But I kissed her back. And I knew: this was going to get me on the team!  
  
So we started going out. And the results were posted, with James as the new Chaser and me and Frank Longbottom (who was also in fifth year) as the new Beaters. James wasn't surprised, as was anyone eles: they all knew the reason I'd made the team. But I didn't care.  
  
Until the first game.  
  
I could tell that Daphne was starting to get tempermental. The rumors about the two of us and stressful practices made her irritable, even when I tried to make her feel better...She would push me away and say, "Not now, Sirius, I need to think."  
  
"Geez, Daph, I thought this was what you wanted."   
  
"You don't understand, Sirius. I'm the captain!"  
  
Woopdidoo, I thought sarcastically. I wanted to dump her, but I knew I'd lose my place on the team if I did, and I was having too much fun at practices with James and the others that I wasn't willing to give it up.  
  
But the first game changed everything. Daphne was very nervous the night before, but gave up her complaining when we started kissing in one of Filch's storage closets. But the next day, she was more stressed then ever.  
  
"Eat something, Daph, come on," I said, as James and I wolfed down breakfast. We were both confident that Gryffindor would beat the shit out of Ravenclaw.  
  
Daphne rolled her eyes. "How can you eat at a time like this? We're totally unprepared..."  
  
The game didn't go as good as was expected. It was all the new Keeper's fault: vincent was impossible, and let Ravenclaw get 60 points get by. Thanks to James, we managed to hold out own on points, and he got 90 points before the Snitch was caught...by the other team.  
  
Daphne, being the Seeker for our team, was very upset. She started to cry in the locker room, making everyone eles really uncomfortable. They looked over at me, as if expecting me to comfort her. With a sigh, I went over to her.   
  
"Daph, it's okay...it's just the first game, don't be upset..."  
  
She pulled her hands away from her face and gave me an evil look. "I'm not the only one to blame, Black! If you'd been on them properly, we could've gotten more points." Now, this was unfair: Longbottom and I had been doing our best, which wasn't so bad.  
  
"Daphne, come on..."  
  
"I should've never let you on the team!" With that, she picked up her broom and started to hit me with it. Hard! When the others had pulled her away from me, she went into her office and started smashing up things with her broom.  
  
She was provoked her position of captain, and it was given to Longbottom. I now had an excuse to break up with her: her psychotic behavior in the locker room was as good an excuse as any.  
  
Still, I couldn't help feeling guilty whenever I saw her in the hall. She would give me this woebegone look, and I would look away. Why did girls make me feel so bad? I swore to myself, I would never let another girl make me feel bad again...  
  
Yeah, like I kept that promise... 


	4. Smruthi and Chelsea

Part Four:  
  
I couldn't stay away from girls for long. I couldn't. Especially when I saw her.  
  
It was the sorting at the beginning of the third year. I wasn't really paying much attention: I was so hungry, I thought I was going to pass out. But all that faded when I saw her standing up there, amoungst the rest of the first years.  
  
What's she doing up there? I thought. She couldn't be a first year, could she? But when McGonagall called out the name "Shaker, Smruthi", she sat on the chair and put the Sorting Hat on.   
  
I felt my heart sink as the hat called out, "HUFFLEPUFF!" Not only was she in my class, she wasn't even in my house.  
  
I kept sneaking looks at her all throughout the feast. I thought she was so gorgeous, with her wavy black hair, light brown skin, and dark eyes that seemed to shine in the light of the Great Hall. Like I was going to let the fact that she was two years younger then me and in a different house stop me.  
  
I kept my crush on her a secret for a couple of weeks, as I found out some more stuff about her. I found out that she was half-Indian and Muggle-born, and that everyone called her Ruthie. A heard all this from a group of Gryffindor first-years, who were seriously hot for her. Watch out, you damn hornballs, I thought. She'll be mine.  
  
I'd gotten cockier over the summer, as I sprang up five inches and got, in the girls' opinions, even hotter. So I was certain that getting Ruthie to go out with me would be easy.  
  
I was wrong.  
  
I found out that Ruthie studied in the library sometimes with some of her friends from other houses. I went there one night and watched as her friends and her laughed and gossiped. Eventually, they all left in small groups or one by one, leaving her alone.  
  
Now was my chance.  
  
Trying to be casual, I sat down at the table next to her. She gave me a weird look and then looked back at her book. I saw what she was reading: a chapter about the uses of trollwood in healing potions.  
  
"Potions, yikes," I said, trying to make conversation. She grunted in reply and continued to read. Ouch.  
  
"So..."  
  
"What do you want?" she suddenly asked in a sharp, cold voice. I was shocked: a younger girl would talk to me like that?  
  
"I'm-"  
  
"Sirius Black," she finished, not looking at me. "Yes, I know."   
  
"Oh?" I was flattered. She'd heard about me.  
  
"Yeah, half of the first year girls are drooling over you," she said. She looked me in the eye. "But I'm not one of them."  
  
"Well, we'll just have to do something about that, won't we?"  
  
"Look, Black-"  
  
"Sirius," I said. "You can call me Sirius. And I can call you...?"  
  
She stood up. "Nothing."  
  
"Wait, Ruthie." She had begun to turn, but she looked back at me, surprised.  
  
"How do you know my name?"  
  
"I've...been hearing it around."  
  
She frowned. "Really? Well, just forget it, then. You can get any girl you want, so..."  
  
"But I want you."  
  
She stalked away. I stared after her, thinking, just a matter of time. No problem  
  
But my efforts to get her to go out with me were in vain. She was determined to hate me: I just didn't know why. I prayed that she hadn't befriended any of my ex-girlfriends, but if she had...basically, it was hopeless.  
  
But I was determined not to give up. I was short of stalking her when she began to go out with another third year, a Hufflepuff named Alexander Threacher. He came up to me one night in the Great Hall. "Look, Black, you better stay the hell away from Ruthie. She's my girlfriend, and she doesn't want anything to do with you."  
  
I gave him a dirty look. "I don't want anything to do with your girlfriend, Threacher. She's delusional." He walked away, and everyone at the table stared at me. "What?" I demanded all of them before I began stabbing my shepard's pie to death. They all turned away.  
  
**************  
  
Like Ruthie said, I could get practically any girl I wanted. So I made it my mission to do so. I tried to forget about her and find another girl.  
  
It wasn't that hard. Along came a second-year, Chelsea Perry of Ravenclaw. The only "problem", if you could call it that, was Chelsea's fifth year brother, Travis, who was on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team that clobbered us the year before.  
  
On day after Charms, I saw her in the hallway. Well, I didn't see her until I'd knocked into her from around the corner.  
  
"Oh!" she cried as the books she was carrying flew everyone. She looked even alarmed when she saw it was me who she knocked into. People laughed, and my friends walked off, laughing too. But I stopped to help.  
  
"Sorry about that...Chelsea."  
  
She, like Ruthie, looked shooked that I knew her name. "Um...no, it was my fault..."  
  
"Hey, I was the one who wasn't watching where I was going." I gathered up all her books, and was about to hand them to her when I said, "Hey, how about I carry these to your next class for you. Where are you headed?"  
  
"Potions." I felt my heart sink: I had Divination, which was miles from Potions. But I decided, who cares? I walked her, anyway.  
  
On the way to the dungeons, we talked about Quidditch. "I would've tried out for the team this year, but my brother doesn't really want me to..."  
  
I laughed. "Do you always do what your brother says?"  
  
She blushed. "Well...he's just trying to look out for me..."  
  
"You seem like you can take care of yourself just fine." She smiled at me, took her books, and stooped up to peck me on the cheek. "Thanks," she whispered, and disapeared into the dungeon.  
  
I would meet her after all of my Charms classes and walk her all the way to the dungeon. After a couple of weeks, I asked her out. She seemed hesitant to answer.  
  
"I really like you, Sirius. But, you see...my brother wouldn't like it-"  
  
I tutted. "Not him again. Come on, Chelsea, he's not your keeper is he?" I smiled at that, since Travis was Keeper for the Quidditch team. Chelsea seemed to think it was funny, too.  
  
"Well...just let me think about it..."  
  
"What is there to think about? Do you like me, or not?" I knew I was putting her on the spot, but I didn't care.  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"Then what's the problem?"  
  
"I already told you! Travis!"  
  
"Screw him," I muttered, then said, "Look, Chelsea...I can get any girl I want, and I picked you." I knew I'd gone too far now, that I was being downright mean, but it worked. She gave me a weak smile and agreed to be my girlfriend.  
  
She was right about Travis, though...he didn't like it much. He came over to me in the Great Hall, just as Threacher had before. "Black! A word." He pointed to the door leading out.  
  
I gave him a smile. "Whatever you have to say to me, you can say it in front of my friends." Travis gave my friends a wary look, but continued:  
  
"I just wanna let you know...if you break my sister's heart, I'll break your neck."  
  
"I have no intention of breaking Chelsea's heart."  
  
Travis stalked away, and everyone at the table stared at me again. "Geez, Black, having enough trouble with the ladies lately?" Longbottom said with a smile. I couldn't help smiling back.  
  
Chelsea wasn't nearly as beautiful as Ruthie, but she was very pretty: light brown hair that felt like silk in my hands, eyes the color of the ocean, and a big, gorgeous, bright smile. And I liked her a lot: she was smart and funny and...willing.  
  
Yes, I got my first taste of oral sex from her. She was the one who brought it up one day: we were in the library, when she said, "Sirius, I feel..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Like...we should..." She got around to it, and we went off to a broom cupboard. I hoped her brother wouldn't find out, so I kept it a secret, even from James.  
  
The second game of the Quidditch season, against Ravenclaw, was coming up. "I'm so torn," Chelsea revealed to me. "I don't know who to support."  
  
I laughed at her. "Support your own house, I won't be mad or anything."   
  
I thought that things would be simple, that we would go out there and clobber the Ravenclaws. Practices were a lot smoother now, even with psychotic Daphne there, and we were a lot better then we'd been the year before.  
  
But I didn't count on Travis.   
  
During the game, Longbottom and I were on our guard, hitting Bludgers at the other players at full speed. I hit one towards one of the Ravenclaw Chasers, who ducked it...and the Bludger went straight into Travis Perry's face, which caused him to miss the goal that James made.  
  
After we won the game (Daphne caught the Snitch, miracle of miracles), both Travis and Chelsea were pretty pissed. Travis stomped over to me, and took me by the neck of my Quidditch robes. "You're gonna pay, Black. That was a cheap shot..."  
  
"It was also an accident!" I cried, trying to keep my cool. But, tall as I was, Travis was even taller, and a lot more menacing as he held my face up to his. I shot Chelsea a pleading look, but she crossed her arms and looked at the ground.  
  
"But it wasn't an accident when you made my sister suck your cock, was it?" he demanded, practically spitting in my face.  
  
"Wha-" I pretended to be ignorant. Travis dropped me.   
  
"You just stay the fuck away from my sister." With that, he strolled off. I looked up at Chelsea.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
She turned away. "I think we should break up, Sirius." Before I could say anything, off she went.  
  
Fine, I thought as I stood up. I don't need that little girl anyway, who has to go running to big brother all the time. James, Remus, and Peter came over to me, and walked me back to the castle, trying to take my mind off my humiliation: everyone in the school had seen Travis threaten me, and seen Chelsea break up with me.  
  
But my trouble with the girls was far from over... 


	5. The girl on the train, and Willow again

Part Five:  
  
My girl experiences in the third year didn't end with Chelsea. Unfortunatly.  
  
We were on the train, heading back to London and the rest of the world. I felt sick to my stomach: the thought of seeing my family again, I guess. I didn't like them much, and the feeling was mutual.  
  
"Hey, where the hell is the snack cart?" James demanded after awhile. He and Remus were playing Gobstones, Peter was trying worm his way into the game, and I was bored and tired.  
  
"I can go find it," I said, standing up. I left the compartment, and to my disapointment, Peter tagged along.  
  
We found the witch with the cart on the opposite side of the train, and she said that she'd be by soon. I led Peter back to our compartment. We were passing the middle part of the train, when a voice came from one of the compartments:  
  
"Sirius Black?"  
  
I stopped and stuck my head in. It was a near empty compartment: the only person was the Head Girl of that year, Anastacia Beaverhousen. "Um...hi," I said. I really didn't like her: she'd given me detention so many times that year that I'd lost track.  
  
She smiled at me, though. "Come in here." I went in, and she added, "Your friend can go away."  
  
Peter winked at me and strolled off, probably to tell the others that I was going to get some action.  
  
I looked at Anastacia and noticed that she'd been crying. "Um...are you okay?"  
  
"Oh...not really," she said with a weak smile. "Brummet just broke up with me." Brummet Coop, the Head Boy that year, had been her boyfriend.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, not really feeling sorry. After all, this was the bitch who busted me out for putting Dung Bombs in Filch's office. Why should I care if she had her heart broken.  
  
"Yeah," she said. "You know, I never really liked him anyway, though. We only went out 'cause, I dunno, we were Head Boy and Girl, you know?"  
  
"Um...okay."  
  
"You know," she said thoughtfully. "I never thought I'd be talking about my relationship problems with you. I would be talking to Hallie, but that's who Brummet broke up with me for." She smiled again. "I got you in trouble so mucht this year."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
She sighed. "Sorry," she said, sounding sincere. "I guess...I dunno..." She examined me thoughtfully. "You're so cute."  
  
I thought I was going to choke. Did my sworn enemy just call me cute?   
  
Then I realized: we weren't enemies anymore. And she was pretty damn cute, too.  
  
So I took her mind off Coop, and she made up for all the times she'd gotten me in trouble. No, no oral sex: the doors were made of glass! But when we were making out, lots of kids "casually" passed by, peeking in and whispering about the troublemaker making out with the ex-Head Girl.  
  
I never heard from her again after that...  
  
*********************  
  
That summer had a miserable start. James promised to see if his parents would let me stay with them at the end: I'd met them over Christmas, and they'd seemed to like me. "I'll send you an owl," he promised.   
  
Mum and Regulus picked me up. Dad, of course, was nowhere to be found. Mum frowned at me. "You need a haircut." I'd let my hair grow a little longer that year, so it hung in my eyes. The girls loved it.  
  
Regulus was about nine at the time, and would be starting at Hogwarts the year after the next. I thought, just one more year without that little twirp around. He had become worse then ever, snitching on me for every little thing I did. When I finally put a body-binding spell on him, Mum kicked me out of the house. "Come back when you're ready to apologize!"  
  
Guess I'll never go back, I thought as I walked the streets.   
  
I rounded the corner, intending to just walk around town all day. I had some Muggle money in my pocket, maybe I'd go to the store or something...  
  
"Sirius...Sirius Black?"  
  
I turned around, and almost had a freaking heart attack. There, standing on her porch, was Willow Jauger, looking as pretty as ever. "Willow?"  
  
She smiled at me, and came down to the sidewalk. I was surprised as she wrapped her arms around me in an embrace. "Oh, my God! It's been so long!"  
  
"Yeah, five years?" I said as she let me go.  
  
"Wow, where have you been going?" We started walking down the sidewalk.  
  
"Eton," I lied. She looked impressed. Like I was going to tell her the truth.  
  
"How's your summer going?" she asked, not bothering to tell me where she was going. I felt bad for her: she was probably going to some crappy local school.  
  
"Pretty good," I said, not going into the details of what a little shit Regulus was.  
  
She cleared her throat. "Listen, Sirius...I'm sorry about the way I treated you..."  
  
I laughed. "What, when we were eight? Don't worry about it."  
  
"You...you look great."  
  
"So do you."  
  
It was like an akward reunion. I knew that I liked her. And she liked me back.  
  
I began sneaking out at night to see her. We would meet on the street corner, and just walk around. We would go into her backyard and sit (and make out) under the tree. We never had sex, but we did get to "third base" a few times.  
  
But one night, a light came on in her house as we lay under the tree. Her head snapped up. "Run, Sirius."  
  
"Wha-"  
  
"RUN!"  
  
I sprang up and jumped the fence, making a run for it. Willow seemed really panicky. I didn't know if we would be meeting again the next night, but I went anyway.  
  
Willow met me, to my relief. But she looked upset. "My dad...he saw us," she whispered.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I'm not supposed to see you," she said. "My...my parents, they know the truth about you..."  
  
My blood ran cold. "What do you mean, the truth?"  
  
"YOU'RE A WIZARD!" she cried, not bothering to keep her voice down. She had tears running down her face. "I mean...I don't care, but they think you're dangerous..."  
  
"So, what? You don't wanna see me anymore?"  
  
She turned away. "I knew you wouldn't take this the right way. I knew you're overreact..."  
  
"Talk about overracting!"  
  
She slapped me across the face, then put her hands over her mouth to stifle another sob. "Oh, Sirius..."  
  
"Fine," I said coldly, resisting the urge to rub my cheek (it HURT). "If you can't see me anymore, then don't even bother meeting me."  
  
"Sirius!" I turned around and walked away.  
  
Lucky for me, James sent an owl a few days later, and I was soon at the Potters. The first thing James asked me, as I stepped out of the fire (Floo Powder) was, "So, how's your summer been?"  
  
I gave him a dirty look. "Don't ask." 


	6. The Yule Ball

Part Six:  
  
The fourth year started out great. James, Peter, and I were busy trying to become Animagus for Remus, and we were getting close. This, along with Quidditch practices, made it hard to find time for girls, thank goodness.  
  
Until just before Christmas.  
  
In the Great Hall one night, in late November, Dumbledore announced that on Christmas, there would be a Yule Ball. As in, a dance that practically requires a date. Shit.  
  
I wasn't worried about finding a date, actually. The Ball sounded lame, but it would be better then going home for the holidays. James was (fruitlessly) trying to get Lily Evans to go with him, and Remus and Peter were trying to find dates, too. But I knew that getting a date for myself would be no problem  
  
But when I heard the news, I knew who I wanted to go with.  
  
I heard, about a week after the announcement of the Yule Ball was made, I heard some fantastic news: Threacher had dumped Ruthie.   
  
I found her in the library one evening, in early December. I sat down next to her, just as I had the year before. She gave me a look. "What do you want, Black?"  
  
"Sirius," I corrected. Then I continued: "I heard what happened."  
  
"Hasn't the whole school?" she said bitterly.  
  
"He never deserved you." She snorted and pretended to read her book. "I mean, I would've never hurt you like that..."  
  
"Yeah, right," she said. "I know how you are with girls."  
  
"Um, my last two girlfriends broke up with me," I said. She looked at me, eyebrows raised. "Look, Ruthie, I know that you said you'd never like me, but...will you go to the Yule Ball with me?"  
  
Ruthie thought for a second. "Okay."  
  
I couldn't contain my surprise. "Really?" Ruthie nodded, and I smiled. "You won't be sorry. We'll have the best time. Threacher gonna wish he never dumped you."  
  
Ruthie smiled at that, then got up to leave. "Want me to walk you back?" I asked, standing up too.  
  
"No, I think I can handle it," she said, and she swished around and walked away.  
  
I hurried back to the Gryffindor common room to tell the other guys the news. Remus and Peter seemed happy, but James looked a little jealous. "Geez, Black always gets the girl, doesn't he?"  
  
"Come on, Lily'll come around eventually," I said, not really caring if she did or didn't at the moment.   
  
"Yeah, uh huh," James said, then grinned. "Hey, I'm happy for you, man. So was I: Ruthie was going to the Yule Ball with me.  
  
But you wouldn't know it by the way she acted. She completely ignored me, as usual. When I tried to talk to her in the hall, she said, "Oh, I gotta go, Sirius. I'll talk to you later." My friends sniggered as she walked away.   
  
"Ouch, iced," Peter teased.  
  
"Who the hell are you going with, Pettigrew?" I demanded. That shut him up.  
  
The night of the Yule Ball, we all got ready in our dormitory. I had new dress robes, of a deep Gryffindor red. I felt bad for Remus as I watched James and Peter get into their new dress robes, too: his family wasn't exactly rolling in Galleons, and his dress robes were second, maybe even third, hand. But at least he had a date.  
  
I left a little earlier then the others, and went to wait for Ruthie in front of the Hufflepuff common room door. She must've been the last one to come out, and the Ball was about to start.  
  
But it was worth the wait: she looked beautiful. Her black hair was in a complicated updo, and it seemed to sparkle with some sort of glitter. She wore form-fitting, silk dress robes in lilac. She smiled at me. "Hi, Sirius."  
  
"Wow..." was all I could manage. She smiled, and I took her arm. We went to the Great Hall.  
  
Everyone seemed to be watching us. The hottest couple at the Ball, I thought. I could see Ruthie's ex-boyfriend, Threacher, and his date, a pretty third year that I'd seen around, watching us from the corner.  
  
We ate dinner at a table with my friends and their dates. James had settled for a friend of Lily's, a girl named Violet. Remus was with a Ravenclaw fifth year named Lucia Malone (way to go, Mooney!). Even Peter managed to get a halfway decent date (with James help, I expect): a third year named Ophelia Donaldson, who was on the Quidditch team with us.  
  
Ophelia, James, and I talked about Quidditch, Remus and Lucia had a quiet conversation, and Ruthie, Violet, and Peter even had some sort of conversation. Things were going great...until the dancing began.  
  
Well, even that was okay at first. Ruthie and I danced the first few together. She wasn't as good of a dancer as I would have hoped...but nobody's perfect, I thought.  
  
After a few dances, Threacher came over to us. "Can I steal her for one?" he asked me.  
  
I looked at Ruthie, who was looking at him. I nodded, and I knew the truth as he took her in his arms: they still liked each other.  
  
Feeling discouraged, I went outside, which had been decorated for the Yule Ball. I could hear couples making out in the bushes. I walked towards the fountain in the center, my path alite with fairies on the bushes and trees, when I heard the unmistakeable sound of a sniffle. I turned the corner to find the pretty girl who'd gone to the Ball with Threacher, sitting on a bench, crying.  
  
"Hey," I said, getting her attention. She looked up at me, horrified. "Are you okay?"  
  
She nodded. "Yeah, I'm just..." She sniffled again.  
  
"Didn't you go to the Ball with Alexander Threacher?" I asked, sitting down next to her. She nodded. "He's an asshole."  
  
"I know," she agreed. We smiled at each other.  
  
"What's your name?" I asked.   
  
"Courtney Lewis," she said. "I'm in Ravenclaw." I nodded, and she smiled again.   
  
"And yours?" I was surprised, but I tried not to show it. It was a pleasant sort of surprise: I'd never met a girl at school since my second year that didn't know my name.  
  
"Sirius Black."  
  
"Oooooh," she said, in a voice that said "so you're that guy". She smiled again. "So, you went with Ruthie Shaker?"  
  
"Yeah...I kinda had a crush on her last year." I added the "last year" part to make it sound like I didn't like her anymore. The truth was, I didn't think I did.  
  
"They still like each other," Courtney said with a sigh. "I mean, why did he even ask me to go if he still liked her?"  
  
"Cause he's an asshole," I said again.  
  
"Oh, yeah..."  
  
We must've sat there, ragging on Threacher and Ruthie for hours. And by the time midnight struck the the teachers came out to find the missing kids, I think I was in love with her.  
  
And from that night on, after our first kiss, we were a couple.  
  
***************  
  
I gave Sirius a happy ending! WARNING: the next chapter is going to be sad... 


	7. Love Lost

Part Seven:  
  
Courtney and I went out for the rest of the year. I was sure that I was in love with her by Easter. We had a lot of fun together: she was good at kissing, and loved to take risks, like making out in the library, or sneaking quick kisses in the corridors. We never had oral sex, but I didn't feel like we needed it.  
  
On the train, she was upset about something. She was sittin in the compartment with me and my friends. While we all played a Wizards chess match, she was staring out the window and sighing.  
  
James could see that she was upset. "Hey, Sirius," he said to me quietly, "I can get the rest of the guys out of here for a minute. I think you need to talk to her."  
  
"Thanks, Prongs." We all had our nicknames now that we knew what our Animagus would be.  
  
James led the others out of the room, to go both Severus Snape or something, leaving me alone with my girlfriend. I went and sat next to her, taking her hand. She looked at me, startled, like she hadn't noticed that the others had gone. "Hi," she said in a breathy voice.  
  
"What's the matter?" I asked. I couldn't help noticing the look of sadness in her pretty blue eyes. Oh, her eyes. I'd never forget those eyes.  
  
"Nothing," she lied, giving me the same sad smile as she'd given me the night of the Yule Ball.  
  
"You liar," I accused gently. "Come on, Court. You can tell me."  
  
Tears filled those eyes of hers. "I'm gonna miss you so bad, Sirius. The thought of leaving you..."  
  
"It's just for the summer."  
  
"I don't know what I'm going to do," she said, a tear running down her face. I brushed it away gently.  
  
"It'll be okay," I said softly. "It's just a couple of months. We'll be together again soon." I fought the tears fighting at my eyes now.  
  
She gave me another weak smile. "Sirius," she whispered, "I have to tell you something."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I...I've known this for awhile now, but I wasn't sure if it was true. But...you make me so happy. And...I love you."  
  
I blinked. Had she just said...? I didn't say anything, and her smile faded. "Sirius...?"  
  
"I-I love you, too!" I blurted, happily. "I can't believe you..."  
  
"You do?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"How long have you known?"  
  
"I think since that first night, on Christmas," I whispered. She put her head on my shoulder. I lifted her face to mine and we kissed tenderly.  
  
Leaving her on the platform was horrible. She was sobbing, and I fought back tears as I comforted her. "It's okay, Court. I'll write you everyday, I promise. I'll see you soon."  
  
That summer was the worst ever. Even though I got an owl from her everyday, and kept my promise to write, it just wasn't the same. Her eyes haunted me, I would see them everytime I closed my own, everytime I went to sleep...  
  
September first didn't come soon enough. I met her on the platform, and she leapt into my arms, glowing. "Oh, Sirius!"  
  
Regulus looked like he was going to laugh. He was going to Hogwarts that year, but I didn't care. I sat in a compartment with my friends and Courtney, and he sat with some pureblood anti-Muggle losers.  
  
At school, I was humilated when "Black, Regulus" was put into "Slytherin". I knew Mum would be pleased: that had been her house. But at least he wasn't in the same house as me.  
  
Courtney and I were more in love then ever. I walked her to all her classes. It was the kind of treatment that Isabella would've wanted, the kind that I wasn't ready to give her. But for Courtney, I would've done anything...  
  
I didn't tell her all my secrets, like that I was an Animagus and that my friends and I would go around with a werewolf every month. But there were just some things that she didn't need to know. I spent the time that I didn't spend on homework (none, actually), and Quidditch with her.  
  
We went to Hogmeade on a date around Halloween, and had great times at school. We had a little oral sex, too, but we never went all the way. I was hoping that maybe that would be my Christmas present...  
  
But a week before the holidays, she looked very upset. "My parents are making me come home for Christmas. My grandmother, my Muggle one, she's sick and..." She looked at me. "I know that you wanted me to stay here with you, but I need to see her. She could die soon."  
  
"I understand," I said, only feeling bad that I wouldn't see her for a couple of weeks. "Don't feel bad. I'm probably going to spend the holiday at the Potters." She smiled, and hugged me, glad that I understood.  
  
I went down to the train platform with her the day the Hogwarts Express left for London, hugging her and looking into those blue eyes. "See you next year," I said, kissing her.  
  
"I love you," she whispered.  
  
"I love you, too." I watched, sadly, as her brown head headed away from me, for the train. When she climbed aboard, she turned around and waved. I waved back, and she disapeared.  
  
I never saw her again.  
  
When the train came back to school after holidays, Courtney wasn't on it. I wondered if her grandmother had died, and she had to stay away longer.  
  
But that night, at dinner, Dumbledore stood before us before the food appeared. "Welcome back, I hope you had a wonderful holiday," he said. Everyone could tell that something was wrong: Dumbledore looked grave.  
  
"It makes me very sad to announce that, over the holidays, one of our students was killed. Courtney Lewis was riding in a Muggle car with her parents, when it slid off the road, killing them all. Let's have a moment of silence to remember Miss Lewis." Silence filled the hall, and I looked around. Everyone at the Gryffidor table to staring at me.  
  
Courtney? Courtney was dead?  
  
I got up after the food appeared, running all the way to the common room, up the stairs to our dormitory. I fell onto my bed, sobbing. It was unfair! I was in love with her. We loved each other, and now she was taken away from me.  
  
"Sirius?"  
  
I wiped my tears away as James came in. He didn't pull the curtains away, but he stood outside them. "Are you okay?"  
  
"What? Oh..."  
  
"I'm sorry...about Courtney," he said. I pulled the curtains away, and he sat down next to me. "I have to admit, I was always jealous of you. You always got the girl you wanted-"  
  
I snorted.  
  
"-and I didn't get the one girl I wanted. But now...you were in love with her, and she's...gone."  
  
"Thanks for the recap," I said sarcastically.  
  
"The point is," James pressed on, ignoring my remark, "That I used to want to be you. But now..."  
  
"Yeah." I thought that was funny: the guy that every guy wanted to be was James. He was the one with the talent and brains. Me? I was smart, okay, but was I really more then a pretty boy? And yet, he wanted to be me.  
  
"I'm sorry for...you know, being jealous and stuff."  
  
"I guess I can forgive you for being human," I joked. He smiled, and hugged me like a brother (not that I would ever let Regulus hug me).  
  
Thank God I had my friends. I don't know if I would've been able to get through the rest of the year without them. I became moody, which actually attracted more girls (why? I don't get it), but my time with my friends helped me a lot. But I was sure that I'd never find a girl to replace Courtney, and those blue eyes that still haunted me.  
  
I was wrong. 


	8. Lily

Part Eight:  
  
After Courtney died, I was pretty depressed to say the least. Girls were after me, but I ignored them all. I had no girl experiences for the rest of my fifth year and my sixth year. Part of that was due to Courtney.  
  
The other part of it was Lily Evans.  
  
After O.W.L.s, I chose to take Muggle Studies for N.E.W.T.s. None of my other friends chose to do that. But Lily did.  
  
We were partners in the class. She'd known Courtney, a little, and she sympathized with me. We became very close friends, and I would faithfully put in a good word for James once in a while. He'd been crushing on her for a long time by then, and I wanted to help him out, especially after the talk we had after Courtney died.  
  
But after awhile, I didn't want to put in a good word for him. Lily was pretty and nice...perfect. Her eyes were gorgeous...but not nearly as hauntingly beautiful as Courtney's. I saw her blue eyes everytime I closed my own. But Lily was so kind and lovely. I liked her alot.  
  
But what could I do? My best friend was in love with her, and he'd claimed her first. And I had a feeling that she was starting to like him, too. I kept my feelings to myself.  
  
Until the Quidditch final.  
  
It was Gryffindor against Slytherin for the Cup. I was really nervous, barely eatting any breakfast that morning. James, who was the captain of the team by then, was snarfing everything in sight...I guess that was his way of dealing with nerves. As James nearly made himself explode, he said, "Come on, team. Let's go."  
  
As we walked down to the locker rooms, I heard a voice call out from behind us: "Sirius! James!"  
  
We turned around to see Lily Evans running towards us, her red hair flying behind her. She came up to us, her cheeks rosy from her little run. "I just wanted to wish you boys good luck." She kissed James on the cheek, then me (probably to make me not feel bad). James touched his cheek and had a silly little faraway smile on his face as he watched her walk towards the Quidditch stands. He turned to me. "I don't know what you did to convince her, but I think she's finally coming around."  
  
I nodded, pretending to be happy for him. We walked down to the locker rooms in silence.  
  
The game went better then anyone could've dreamed. The final score was 40-210, thanks in big part to James. When our Seeker caught the Snitch, our team took a victory lap. I saw Lily conducting the Gryffidor supporters in a rousing chorus of "We Are the Champions", pointing to the Slytherins when they sang the words "losers".  
  
When the team landed, everyone rampaged onto the field, forming a circle around us. They lifted James high into the air, chanting: "POTTER! POTTER! POTTER!" I backed out of the crowd, watching with a mixture of adoration and jealousy. What the hell are the rest of us, chopped liver?  
  
I felt a tap at my shoulder, and turned to find Lily Evans grinning at me. She wrapped me in a tight hug. "Oh, Sirius, you were brilliant!" I was no longer jealous of my best friend. Although I had a felling she would rather be hugging him, this felt good.  
  
I tried to play it modest. "Nah, it was James, really..." but she shook her head.  
  
"Come on, I saw you hitting all those Bludgers." She was watching me? Kick ass. "You were really great."  
  
"Well...thanks." I suddenly felt shy, and I've never been shy around girls before.  
  
The crowd carried James up to the castle to begin the celebration in the common room. Lily smiled at me and took my hand. "Come on, Sirius. Let's party."  
  
**************  
  
I woke up the next morning. I was surprised to find myself in Remus' bed instead of my own. Bright orange light from the rising sun was coming in through the window, and there was silence all around.  
  
My head felt like it was splitting. I remembered the fire whiskey that some seventh years had snuck in, and how much I had been drinking...how much she had been drinking...  
  
I sat up boltright. She was gone. But...had we really...  
  
I remembered her taking my hand and leading me up to the dormitory. I remember her slipping out of her robes, and the way her pale skin was glowing in the moonlight. And the way that we made sweet love...  
  
Oh my God. I'd had sex with Lily Evans.  
  
I put on a bathroom robe and snuck out of the room. I crept down the stairs to the common room. It was dark, except for the dim, almost dead fire in the fireplace. I could see her hair sticking out for the side of one of the armchairs. "Lil?"  
  
She turned around and saw me. "Oh. Sirius." She stood up. She was wrapped in an old quilt.   
  
"I...did we...?" She nodded, and I sat down in one of the armchairs. She sat back down. I looked into her eyes. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah," she whispered, her voice was soft and weak.   
  
"I didn't...hurt you?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Good." I wasn't sure what to say now.   
  
"What are we going to do, Sirius?" She looked so lost and scared. I felt so horribly guilty. "That was my first time," she admitted softly.  
  
"Yeah...mine, too."  
  
She looked surprised, but didn't say anything. "I remember...it was... good."  
  
"Thank God." She smiled at me, but it quickly turned to a frown.  
  
"We can't tell anyone." I blinked at her, and she continued, "I mean, what would people think? No...we're going to keep this to ourselves. Agreed?"  
  
"Um...yes." What eles could I say? She's ashamed that she was with me, I thought with a sinking heart.  
  
"You can't even tell your friends. Not even James." She paused. "Especially not James."  
  
"Um..."  
  
"I like him a lot, Sirius."  
  
"Yeah. He likes you, too." I felt like my heart was breaking again, just like it had the day I heard that Courtney was dead.  
  
I gave Lily a hug, promised her I would keep our secret, and went to bed again. I remembered something about the night before. As I held her in my arms after it was all done, I'd whispered, "Lil, I love you."  
  
She hadn't said a word. 


	9. Modern Working Bitch

Part Nine:  
  
I kept what I did with Lily a secret. It was just me and her that knew.  
  
Oh, and Remus.  
  
He confronted me the next day, in the Great Hall. Everyone had stumbled in for a late Sunday breakfast. "Can we talk? Alone?"  
  
"Um...yeah." I felt my whole body turn cold. I knew what this was about.  
  
"Look," he said, when we were alone, "I know what happened last night."  
  
"Mooney, please don't-"  
  
He held up a hand to stop me. "I know you made a mistake. You guys were drunk. We were all drunk." He gave me a smile. "James would understand. But I'm not gonna tell him."  
  
"Thanks," I said, relieved. "Lil didn't really want it to, you know, get out..."  
  
Remus nodded. "Yeah, she likes him."  
  
Hearing it again made my heart ache. I nodded, and we went back into the Great Hall.  
  
**************  
  
My whole seventh year was a blur of nameless, faceless girls. I was caught many times making out in broom closets, given detention. When I was caught with McGonagall's fourth year niece, Trudy, I was nearly expelled.  
  
I got a few N.E.W.T.s, and after school was over, I moved into the house I bought with the money my uncle left me. Mr. Potter got me and James jobs at the Ministry of Magic, just as assistants and stuff.  
  
And guess who was working with me?  
  
I was off running some errand for some asshole in Disposal of Magical Creatures when I ran into her. Not literally, but nearly: I saw her from behind the stack of papers she was carrying. I had to double back to make sure it was her. "Annie?"  
  
She turned around in surprise, nearly dropping her sack of papers. No mistake: it was Ariande McPierson. "Sirius!" she cried, struggling to regain the balance of the stack.  
  
"Here, let me take some of those."  
  
"No, I've got it," she said hastily. She looked good: after graduation, she must've gotten her hair cut. It was short, with a little upturn at the tips. She wore makeup now, which she hadn't done in school.  
  
"So, what're you doing here now?"  
  
"Oh, I'm a secretary for the head of the Wizenmagot." She looked very smug, having an important boss. "How about yourself?"  
  
"Well, Potter and I are just sorta, you know, errand boys."  
  
She snorted a laugh.   
  
"Sure you don't need help with those papers, then?"  
  
"Oh, no. I've got them, really." She smiled at me. "See you around, then."  
  
"Later."  
  
Wow. After our breakup in the first year, she'd treated me like a mutant until year four. By that time, I was avoiding her. I guess she's over it, I thought happily.  
  
Later, we ran into each other in the tea room, reaching for the sugar cubes at the same time. "Oh, no, go ahead," I said graciously.  
  
"Thanks," she said, taking two cubes and stirring them into her tea. "So...where's Potter? I mean, James?"  
  
"Oh, around." I was thinking that he had met up with Lily: she was working for the Ministry, too, and she and James had been dating for over a year. It hurt me to see them together, so I stayed away from them when I could.  
  
"Well, would you like to join me for tea?"  
  
"Alright." We sat at one of the small tables in the tea room, and she suddenly concentrated on her teacup like it was the most facinating thing she'd ever seen. Finally, I tried to make conversation. "So-"  
  
"I never got to apologize," she said quickly.  
  
"Oh? For what?"   
  
"For the way I acted." She looked me in the eyes. "In the first year."  
  
"Huh?" But I knew what she meant by now: I wanted her to say it.  
  
"I know that I acted so stupid. I mean, accusing you like that. It was unfair, and I know it was ages ago, but I just haven't been able to stop thinking about it lately."  
  
I raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"  
  
"Well, my mum just died, you see."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry."  
  
"Yeah, and I was thinking about, you know, unfinished business. And I didn't want to die without apologizing to everyone, even for something that happened ages ago." She smiled at me, and I wondered what her hangup was. As if reading my thoughts, she said, "I know I must sound insane."  
  
"No, it's okay."  
  
"So...what sort of career are you looking into?"  
  
"Well, I don't really know," I admitted, taking a sip of my tea. "I was thinking about Muggle Relations or something, since I studied Muggles in school and all."  
  
She nodded, as if she really cared. Then she checked the clock on the wall. It read GET BACK TO WORK. She smiled. "We better get going."  
  
I turned. "Oh, it always says that."  
  
She stood up. "I better get going, though. You know how those Wizenmagot farts get."  
  
I laughed. I'd never heard her talk like that before. "Annie, do you wanna go out for dinner sometime?" I couldn't stop myself: the words tumbled out.  
  
She looked thoughtful for a minute. "How about Friday?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"We can meet at that new place on the corner...what's it called?"  
  
"Grills and Charms," I said, naming the new all-Wizard resturant. "Sure. I'll make reservations for...seven?"  
  
She nodded, smiled, and left.  
  
We met at seven, and had a good time at dinner. I cringed when she ordered the most expensive things, but she must've seen it. "Oh, don't worry, Sirius," she said with a laugh. "I'm going to pay for my own."  
  
"Oh, are you sure?" But I was realived: I couldn't cover it all.   
  
"I'm a modern working witch, Sirius," she said. I bet that she read that magazine, "Working Modern Witch". But I nodded. She was being really funny, spouting off jokes and dissing on all the heads at the Ministry.   
  
Near the end of the meal, she went to the bathroom. "Just get the bill when I'm gone, I'll give you the money when I get back."  
  
I didn't see her again.  
  
The total of the bill was nearly 50 galleons. I barely had enough for my own 15 galleon part of the meal. I couldn't sneak away: the resturant had an anti-Apparating charm on it. The host finally got sick of me. "You don't have the money, do you?"  
  
"No, but...my date, she-"  
  
I was forced to wash dishes for two hours, without magic, to help pay off what I couldn't afford of the meal. I wanted to kill Annie.  
  
On Monday, it seemed that everyone at work had heard what happened. They were laughing at me, I could see it. "Ignore them," James said quietly as I was fuming.  
  
I threw myself into my paperwork, only taking time off to go get a quick tea with Lily and James. For once, they weren't groveling over each other. Lily was sympathetic to me. "I knew Annie in school, she was such an arrogant little bitch."  
  
"Shhhhh!" James said quickly. Lily was talking really loud. But she ignored him and put her hand on my arm. "She was always bitter about what happened between you two in the first year. I had to share a dormitory with her for years, she was always bad mouthing you-"  
  
"Thanks, Lil," I said, rolling my eyes. She fell into an embarressed silence.  
  
So had she done this because she really was bitter? What a freak!   
  
I went back to my desk to find a post-it note on top of my stack of papers. I groaned as I read it. "Stupid bitch," I muttered, rolling it into a ball.  
  
It read: REVENGE IS SWEET.  
  
Now, Daphne was no longer the most psychotic girl I'd run into. 


	10. Love Lost again

Part Ten:   
  
After my bad experience with Annie, there were a lot of, erm, sympathetic girls at the Ministry who were more then eager to show me that they weren't like her.  
  
I went on date after date, most ending the next morning in her bed or mine. But I didn't see anyone exclusively.  
  
I knew I was getting a bad reputation at the Ministry: I was the talk of the tea room. But I didn't care: things were getting heated up with the Voldemort situation, and Dumbledore had called upon us to join him in the Order of the Phoenix.  
  
Amidst the excitement, Lily and James made an announcement: they were getting married. I was happy for them, of course I was, but...well, I still wasn't over Lily, not quite.  
  
She was the one who told me about the engagement. I was at home on a Friday evening, which was rare. I heard a knock on the door and answered it to find a red-cheeked, sparkling-eyed Lily at my doorstep. "Oh, Sirius! I have to tell you the news!"  
  
"What is it?" I asked, stepping back to let her in.  
  
She stepped past me and I closed the door. She jumped up. "Oh, James proposed to me!"  
  
"What?" I was shocked: I knew that James loved Lily, but I didn't think he was ready to settle down and start a family yet.  
  
She frowned. "You didn't know he was going to?"  
  
"No, this a total surprise."  
  
She smiled again. "Check out my ring, isn't it pretty?" She held it out: a large princess-cut diamond. "I was sure you knew, James never had much taste in jewlery and I thought you'd helped him."  
  
"No, he must've gotten his mother to help."  
  
"Well," she said, wandering into my living room. "We're really not supposed to announce it until Christmas at his parents, but I just wanted to come over and tell you." Suddenly, she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me. "You're my best friend, Sirius, you know that?"  
  
"Yeah, I know, Lil."  
  
"We want to make you our best man."  
  
"Thank you." I hugged her tightly, then let her go. "Would you like some tea, or-"  
  
"Oh, no," she said with a giggle. "I'm much to excited. My stomach is jumping around..."  
  
"When will the wedding be?"  
  
"We were thinking about spring? Wouldn't that be pretty? In his parents' backyard."  
  
"Oh, yeah, it's nice back there." I remembered the flowers all over the garden, and the hedges shaped like unicorns and centaurs.   
  
Lily eyes suddenly narrowed. "Sirius? Are you okay?"  
  
"What? Yes, of course."  
  
She didn't believe me. "Are you alright with...this?"  
  
I faked a laugh. "No, Lil. I don't want my two best friends to get married."  
  
"Well, I was a little worried that-"  
  
"That what? That I still had a crush on you?" I laughed again and she cracked a smile.  
  
"Wow, do I need to get over myself, or what?"  
  
When she left, I had to keep myself from sulking around and sighing. They were going to do it: they were getting married. I didn't think I could stand it...  
  
*************  
  
I helped plan the wedding, which took place in the Potter's backyard on May 11th. I felt like a penguin in my Muggle suit, but Lily had insisted on a Muggle traditional wedding, in memory of her dead parents. She was upset that her sister and brother-in-law refused to attend, but she was still radiant.  
  
Since she couldn't see James before the ceremony ("it's bad luck!" she insisted), she came to see me before the wedding began. I was sitting in the Potter's kitchen by myself, cradling a glass of fire whiskey. She came up behind me and said, "Can't that wait until the reception?"  
  
I jumped and looked over my shoulder at her. I had to hold back a gasp: she looked so beautiful. Her white dress was glimmering, and her red hair was piled in a complicated updo, similar to the one Ruthie had worn to the Yule Ball years before. But it looked so much better on Lily. She was smiling at me.  
  
I gave her a sheepish grin. "I'm just a little nervous."  
  
"You're nervous?" she said with a laugh. "Sirius, I feel like I'm going to throw up." She sat next to me and sighed. "My wedding day. Good lord."  
  
I patted her hand. "It'll be okay, Lil. You look gorgeous."  
  
She smiled at me and snatched the fire whiskey glass from me. With one quick motion, she downed the rest of it. "There," she sighed, slamming the glass back on the table. "That should help."  
  
I laughed. "Don't you ever change, Lil."  
  
"I wouldn't." She gave me a small smile. "Oh, Sirius, I'm so happy. I hope James is as happy as I am."  
  
"He is," I assured her.  
  
"I hope you'll be happy like this someday," she said with a sigh. "I know how unhappy you are."  
  
"I'm not," I insisted, but she stood up.  
  
"I better go: I'm getting married in a little while."  
  
Watching her walk down the aisle towards me made me feel dizzy. But then I remembered: she wasn't walking to me. She was walking to James, the man at my side. It was James, not me, that she was beaming at, and she didn't swear to love me forever: it was James.  
  
At the reception, I hooked up with Lily's French cousin. She was pretty, but she wasn't nearly the same kind of beauty as her cousin.  
  
All hope that I held, that I'd have Lily someday, died the day she got married to my best friend. 


	11. Ultimatum

Part Eleven:  
  
When I got a promotion at the Ministry (I was Junior Assistant Executive at the Department of Games and Sports, a really fun job), my "manwhorisms", as Lily delicatly put it, got worse. I was drunk almost every weekend, going to the wizard bars and spending nights with so many witches in pub rooms that it made my head spin. I couldn't stop.  
  
One Saturday night, I decided to go to a Muggle pub, just for fun. I was sitting at the bar, and everything had gone blurry: I had just downed five shots of tequila, and it was beginning to take over. I topped it off with a beer and sat back to watch all the Muggles, playing pool and smoking.  
  
Suddenly, I spotted a girl sitting in a chair by the corner, watching the pool players. She was wearing a very short skirt, and when she crossed her legs I could see some of her lacy underwear. She caught my eye as she sipped her rum and Coke, and winked at me. I got up, unsteadily, and swaggered (I'd been working on this walk in front of my mirror, sort of a drunken strut) over to her.  
  
She put her drink down when I came over, raising her eyebrows with interest. "Well, hello there," she said in a breathy voice. That's really all I remember...  
  
Until I woke up in a pub bed, hours later. I was yanked from the bed by the front of my shirt with two rough hands, and slammed against the wall. I could hear a woman screaming hysterically, and felt a blow to the face before I came to my senses.  
  
"Come on, stand up and fight like a man!" I felt another punch, hitting me right in the eye.  
  
"Let him go! Nothing happened!"  
  
"Shut up, slut! Shut the fuck up!"  
  
Oh, shit. The woman had a boyfriend. And he was kicking my ass.  
  
I got to my feet, nearly falling over again. "I'll teach you to mess with my bitch!" the big, burly man said, knocking me to the ground again. I moaned. Everything was so blurry.  
  
"Just leave him alone! He didn't do anything!"  
  
"I said SHUT UP!" I heard the sound of a slap and a scream. He hit her.  
  
I struggled to my feet and pulled my wand out of my pocket. I held it to his face, and he laughed. "What're you gonna do, beat me with your twig?"  
  
"Expellimarus," I slurred. But it worked: since he wasn't armed with anything, he was thrown to the back wall, looking dazed and stunned. The woman, sitting on the floor and clutching her cheek, gave me a horrified look. "I-"  
  
"RUN!" she screamed, and I took off out of the room, down the stairs of the pub. I could vaguely hear the owner screaming at me to come back, but I ran outside. I found my motorcycle parked on the side of the building, and sped away. When I was out of sight, I took off into the sky.  
  
The wind in my face helped wake me up from my daze. I rode through the sky, going where I always went when I was in trouble.  
  
Lily and James's house.  
  
I flew my bike into the front yard. The front door opened before I even cut the engine, and I saw the form of a six-month pregnaut Lily Potter standing there, with her hands on her hips.  
  
"Sirius Black!" she yelled angrily. "What do you think you're doing?" I went over to the doorstep, and when I stepped into the light, she gasped. "Oh, my God! Get in here!" She grabbed my arm and pulled me inside. "What happened?" she asked in a soft voice, touching my face with a gentle hand.   
  
I chuckled. "A fight."  
  
"Oh, Sirius," she sighed. She motioned to a chair. "Go sit, I'll be back."  
  
"Lil, don't." She didn't need to walk around so much, not when she was pregnaut.  
  
"SIT!" She was getting the mother act down. I sat down obediantly, and she went into the kitchen. She came back with a goblet of red liquid. "It's from the batch I brewed, um, the last time."  
  
As I drank the potion, I felt a stab of guilt. Lately, I'd been coming to the Potters after my drunken escapades. I'd mostly find Lily alone, since James was doing a lot of night time work for the Order of the Phoneix.  
  
Lily sank into a chair opposite mine, sighing heavily. "Sirius, what did you get yourself into now?" When I started to speak, she held up a hand, looking tired. "No, wait. I don't want to know."  
  
I tried to laugh. "Lil, it's not a big deal. I just got into a fight, nothing I can take care of." She scoffed: I wasn't exactly tough when it came to hand-to-hand combat. Now, I could handle duels. "It was just a Muggle," I said timidly.  
  
She raised a skeptical eyebrow. "What did you do to him?"   
  
"Just fought him off."  
  
The other eyebrow went up. "With what?"  
  
"My...my wand," I said timidly.  
  
"SIRIUS!"  
  
"Lil, don't-"  
  
"A MUGGLE! For goodness sake, why can't you think sometimes?" She sighed. "Look, this can't keep going on, Sirius."  
  
"Lil-"  
  
"Just LISTEN," she snapped. Then she sighed again. "Look, times are changing fast. We have to be careful. Voldemort is gaining more and more support by the day. We don't know whose watching us, and who we can trust. It's this carelessness that'll get innocent people killed!"  
  
I felt so horrible. More horrible then I'd ever felt in my life. Lily looked so disapointed in me, and the last thing I wanted to do was disapoint her. "I'm sorry, Lil," was all I could say.  
  
"Me, too, Sirius. Because James and I have been talking. And..." she looked like she was almost going to cry, "...we decided that if you keep going on like this, getting drunk and having...um, being careless, that..." she took a deep breath, "...you wouldn't be the godfather of the baby."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"It's for your own good, Sirius." Her voice was firmer now. "We're thinking about everyone here. Our child doesn't need a godfather whose-"  
  
"So who'll be the godfather then, eh? The werewolf?" I immediatly regretted saying that, and Lily gasped. Then she glared at me and got to her feet. "Lil, I'm sorry!" I cried, scrambling after her. She was heading to the kitchen. "I didn't mean to say it, it was stupid. Remus is one of my best-" But I stopped short when I saw her standing in the middle of the kitchen, a hand against her pregnaut belly and a look of shock on her face. "Lil! What's wrong? Is the baby alright?"  
  
She nodded slowly. "Oh...oh, Sirius! The baby just kicked!" Her voice was breathy, like the girl's at the pub, but this was different. She beckoned to me. "Come here and feel it!"  
  
I went to her side and she siezed my hand, placing it on her belly. "Just wait, it'll...DID YOU FEEL THAT?"  
  
I did. I felt the baby kick against my hand. I backed up, laughing. "You got a fighter in there, Lil." She looked so radiant. And I knew that I would move heaven and hell for her and the baby. "Lil, I'll change. I'll do it." For you, I didn't add.  
  
"Oh, Sirius!" She wrapped her arms around me in an embrace. It was me, her and the baby.   
  
I spent the night on the Potters couch, but woke up the next morning when my best friend threw a pillow at me, laughing. "Morning, Sunshine!" James trilled.  
  
"Urg," I moaned. "Why the hell are you so damn chipper?"  
  
"It's called coffee, my friend." He shoved a mug at me, and I sat up and drank. I spotted the "Daily Prophet" on the coffee table.   
  
"Where's Lil?" I asked, looking around.  
  
"Resting. Lord knows the woman has enough to worry about." He gave me a sharp look, making me feel guilty all over again.   
  
"Yeah, I know I don't help much."  
  
"Did she tell you?" I nodded, and he smiled again. "So, I heard that my baby kicked."  
  
"A sharp one."  
  
"First time, too. I haven't felt it kick yet." I felt another stab of guilt: if I had been doing the Order business, James could've been home with his wife and kid. Even though I was in love with Lily, had been for years, I knew that she loved James.   
  
"Listen, Prongs. I can take your Order position for you...since I won't be, you know, doing stuff anymore." I gave him a weak smile, and he returned it.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
I finally felt good about myself. My "manwhorisms" were dead, and I was helping the people that meant the most to me. And when Harry James Potter was born, I was appointed his godfather.   
  
But unfortunatly, things changed too quickly after that... 


	12. Changes

Part Twelve:   
  
The time between my pact with Lily and before I went to Azkaban wasn't a "dry spell": I had a girlfriend.  
  
Her name was Tallie Brant, and I think she took the relationship a little more seriously then I did. She would sometimes talk of marriage and living together, while I would smile and nod. I didn't love her, I'd only loved two girls in my life. One was dead, and the other was taken.  
  
The night that Lily and James died, I wasn't even thinking of her. I was thinking about poor Lily and James, and what would become of Harry...and how I would kill Pettigrew.  
  
It had only been a few days before that we'd made the Secret Keeper switch. I'd taken Pettigrew to the Potters, and talked it over with them. As Harry crawled around on the floor, I pleaded my case. "Voldemort with suspect me. They'll be much less likely to come after Peter." The traitor nodded his agreement.  
  
Lily, with her women's intution, sensed trouble. "Are you sure about this, Peter? It could be dangerous..."  
  
"There's no denying that you and James are Voldemort's next targets," I said sharply before Peter could open his mouth. "Lil, I'm just looking out for you guys."  
  
"I know, Sirius..."  
  
"Then you'll do this. It's the right choice. Right, James?"  
  
James looked hesitant. "Um...yeah, whatever you say..."  
  
"Look, if Voldemort comes after me, he can give me the Crucio curse until my ass bleeds, and I can't say a word," I said. As an afterthought: "Not that I would."  
  
"Oh, Sirius!" Lily looked tearful.  
  
"There, there, dear," James said, patting her knee akwardly. He clapped his hands together. "Alright, then. Let's get at it."  
  
At that moment, little Harry crawled over to me and sat. He held his arms to me: up! I picked his up and put his on my knee. If I'd known that I wouldn't see him again for so many years...  
  
After the switch was made, I hugged Lily goodbye...for the last time. Kissing her cheek, I whispered, "You take care of yourself and that baby."  
  
"I will, Sirius."  
  
One more kiss, and a handshake from my best friend James, and I was gone.  
  
And I never saw them again.  
  
I lost my mind for awhile after they died. I went to their house after finding Peter gone from his, and I knew right away what had happened. I threw the door open, and there was furniture all over the place. I lept over it, and saw James's dead body by the kitchen. Sickened with sorrow, I went to the back of the house, towards their bedroom. "Lil? Lily! Where are you?"  
  
I knew the truth before I saw her. Lying facedown on the bedroom floor, her red hair a tangled mess. "Oh, God," I whispered, kneeling down. I was about to turn her over when I heard a baby cry. "Harry," I said, a ray of hope inside me. He was alive!  
  
I went to his bedroom to find the huge figure of Hagrid stooped down, trying to calm the baby down. "Oh, my God," I said, causing him to turn around. "Hagrid! He's-"  
  
"Alive," the giant man said simply. He held him out for me to see. My one-year-old godson was sniffling, and tears were running down his chubby face...but he was alive. I snatched him from Hagrid's arms, holding him protectively against my chest, crying.  
  
"There, there," Hagrid said, hugging me. I crying into his chest (that's as far as I reached on him), then stepped away.   
  
"I'll take him back to my house, he'll be safe there."  
  
Hagrid shook his head. "No, sorry. Halfta take 'im"  
  
"I'm his godfather!"  
  
"Sorry, Sirius. Dumbledore's orders. He's goin' to his aunt an' uncle's now."  
  
I sighed and handed my godson back over. "Fine," I said, suddenly exhausted. "Take my motorcycle with you, I won't be needing him anymore." With that, I fled.  
  
I got my sanity back right after I'd blasted the street away, and saw the Muggles, all dead, on the ground. Peter, the son of a bitch, was gone. I'd found it so funny a second before, but the horror hit me of what had happened...  
  
I went quietly. I saw Tallie, my girlfriend, who worked with Muggle Relations. She was sobbing and looking over at me. For the first time since we'd been together, I thought I loved her. I wanted to marry her, and live in a house together, with Harry and our own children. But I couldn't have that now. I couldn't have anything.  
  
And Azkaban was where the real dry spell began. 


	13. Hermione

Part Thirteen:  
  
Ah, Azkaban. Twelve years without any contact with man...let alone a woman.  
  
Anyway, sex was one of the last things on my mind. Until I got out, that is. The manwhore in me wouldn't die.  
  
I looked horrible when I got out. I hadn't had a shower or haircut in years. Yuck. Who would want me now? I thought as I stood in front of the cracked mirror of an abandoned Muggle home, one of my hiding places.  
  
Um, you'd be surprised...  
  
But out of pure shame, I won't get into it. Let's just say that there were a couple of willing homeless women out there, who had no idea who I was, who just wanted someone to spend the night with...  
  
I had a mission to accomplish. Nothing could take my mind off of killing Peter Pettigrew and saving my godson. I thought of Lily all the time, the memory of her kept me going. Her son was in danger, and I was the only one who knew the truth.  
  
Well, things didn't go exactly as I planned. Damn that Pettigrew, he got away. But I was momentarily distracted...by her.  
  
The first (halfway decent-looking) female that I'd been in close range with in twelve years. She actually reminded me a little bit of Tallie, whom had moved to Australia when I'd last heard. Big brown eyes, bushy brown hair. The promblem? She was less then half my age.  
  
That's right. I fell for Hermione.  
  
Of course, I couldn't tell her how I felt. She's be disgusted with me, and I wouldn't be able to blame her. Besides, she clearly had a thing for Harry's best friend, Ron. Oh, my God, was my love life always such a goddamn soap opera?  
  
I tried to take my mind off her. She was only 13 when I met her. I mean, my first real girlfriend, years at Hogwarts, had been about that age. Isabella. It had been a really, really long time since I'd thought about her.  
  
In fact, I hadn't thought of any of them in a long time. But when I was trapped in number twelve, Grimmauld Place (the hell hole I grew up in), I had a ton of time to think. Memories of all of them came flooding back to them. The way I broke Isabella's heart. The way Willow broke mine. The way I'd used Daphne, and the way Ruthie used me. Courtney. Oh, God, Courtney.  
  
And Lily.  
  
And who was the girl with the older brother? Chelsea, yeah. Bitch.  
  
But I had to stop thinking about them. The memory of each of them, even Cecilia, made me hurt a little.   
  
When Hermione came with the Weasleys to the headquarters, I was given a temporary distraction.  
  
I tried to avoid her for the first couple of days. But everything changed one night, when I couldn't sleep...  
  
I went to Buckbeak's room, aka my mother's room, to think. The small bedroom I'd grown up in felt too cramped. I'd felt like the walls were closing in on me. But the master bedroom was huge. Perfect.   
  
I was laying on my back, staring at the top of the canopy bed and listening to Buckbeak's loud snoring when I heard someone enter the room. I sat up quickly. "Whose there?"  
  
"Sirius?" a timid voice asked, surprised.  
  
"Hermione?"  
  
"Oh, my God," I heard her mumble. Then a little louder, "Um, sorry, I didn't know you were staying in here. Good night..."  
  
"Wait!" I stood up suddenly, and went towards her. The moonlight streaming in from the window bathed her in pale light. "What are you doing in here?"  
  
"I, um, I couldn't sleep, so, um-"  
  
"I'm not staying in here," I said quickly as she backed towards the door. "I couldn't sleep, either. Why don't you stay for awhile..." What was I doing?  
  
"Um..." Our eyes met. I could see the sweet, refreshing innocence in them.  
  
"Okay," she agreed in a whisper. I led her to the bed, sitting back by the headboard. She, reluctantly, sat at the foot of the bed.  
  
"I don't bite," I said with a smile. She smiled back, nervously. Is she afraid of me? I thought. I edged closer to her. "Hermione, there's something I have to tell you." I was filled with a sudden boldness, a nothing-to-lose bravery.  
  
"Um...okay."  
  
"Hermione, I..." I took a deep breath. Can I tell her? I had to. "...haven't been able to stop thinking about you. Ever since I first met you, I..."  
  
"Sirius," she whispered weakly. I put her head in my lap, and she stared up at me. I bent down and kissed her forehead.  
  
And to my surprise, she took me by the face, leaning up and kissing my lips. I could tell that she'd kissed before. This is wrong, a voice in my head screamed. Sick! Wrong! She's only fourteen...  
  
But I ignored the voice as Hermione whispered, "Sirius?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Let's..."  
  
Could she possibly mean...? This was too good to be true! I picked her up, placing her head on the pillow. I started to remove her pajama bottoms, but I looked at her. "Are you sure?" I asked softly.  
  
"Yes."  
  
I got on top of her and kissed her again. Then I began to work my way down. And it was all a blur from there... 


	14. The End

Part Fourteen:  
  
Hermione avoided me after that night. And I couldn't blame her. She must've been really freaked out, and I felt horrible. But I really needed to talk to her...  
  
I found her one afternoon, alone in the drawing room, examining my family tree. I had a feeling that she'd been wanting me to find her alone. As quietly as I could, I walked behind her and put my hands on her shoulders. She jumped and looked around at me. "Sirius! You...you surprised me..."  
  
"Sorry, didn't mean to," I lied, not able to hide a grin.  
  
Hermione stepped closer to the tapestry, away from my reach. She pointed to a small burn mark without looking at me. "Um, is this where you should be?"  
  
"Yes. I was disowned."  
  
She didn't ask why. She turned around and began to edge around me. "Well, I think I'll go help Mrs. Weasley..."  
  
"Hermione, wait." I stood in front of her, blocking her path to escape. "About the other night..."  
  
"Let's...let's forget about it, okay?"  
  
Oh, no. Not this. Deja vu!   
  
"For...forget?"  
  
"Yeah," Hermione said. She looked up at me. "I mean, we wouldn't want Harry to find out, would we? Let's just...forget it."  
  
Oh, God! This was too familiar. 'Don't tell James...I really like him, Sirius...' a voice in my head rang. This was just like that...  
  
"Hermione, please," I pleaded, reaching for her hand. "Don't do this to me."  
  
"Sirius!" she said sharply, stepping back. "Don't you understand? This is WRONG. I mean...I'm your godson's friend! I don't think you want to lose him over me." She took a deep breath, and said, "Look, I've sorta been thinking about you, too. Ever since that night we rescued you...but there could never be anything between us, Sirius. You know that."  
  
"No, Hermione-"  
  
"I'm going now. And let's never mention...what happened...again." With that, she brushed past me and rushed out of the room, leaving me alone, dazed.  
  
She'd been thinking about me, too. But...we couldn't be together?   
  
When Harry showed up, I was granted a distraction. But the reality hit me: he (and Hermione) would both be leaving for school soon. And I would be alone again. I locked myself in Buckbeak's room, alone, once again, with my thoughts.  
  
On September first, I accompanied Harry to the train station (despite Molly's protests). We later met up with Arthur and the others. Hermione was there, too...  
  
As everyone said their goodbyes, I took Hermione's sleeve in my mouth. She looked down at me, and I whimpered. She pulled away from me and went to hug Tonks.  
  
Remus, who never misses a beat, must've caught me in the act. We were talking in the kitchen later, alone. He said, "Sirius, that was really stupid! Going to the train station like that..."  
  
I faked a laugh. "Relax, Mooney. Nobody suspected a thing."  
  
He raised his eyebrows. "I don't know. Some of the parents there could be Death Eaters, and they may know about you."  
  
"Come on, there are lots of big black dogs around."  
  
"Yes, but they actually act like dogs! Putting your hands...I mean, paws...on Harry's shoulders. And grabbing Hermione's shirt-"  
  
"What?" He'd seen?  
  
Remus nodded sadly. "I saw that, Sirius. What's going on between the two of you."  
  
"Nothing."  
  
He snorted. "Yeah, right. Just keep in mind, she's Harry's friend. And fourteen-"  
  
"She'll be fifteen this month!" I cried out, suddenly defensive. "And she has the maturity of a woman twice her age, thank you!"  
  
"Sirius, that doesn't matter." He raised his eyebrows. "Did you and her..."  
  
"N-no!"  
  
I couldn't lie to him. With a sigh, he stood up. "Thank God we're not Muggles. They have laws about that kind of thing." And he left.  
  
Well, I didn't really speak to Hermione again after that. A sentence here or there, all business-like and casual. But I couldn't stood thinking about that night...  
  
Over Christmas, the Weasleys and Harry were staying with me after the snake incident. Which suited me fine...but I wished that Hermione where there.  
  
One day, I was passing a window upstairs when I saw a familiar, triple-decker purple bus pull up in front of my house. To my surprise, and pleasure, Hermione climbed out. I ran downstairs to greet her, flinging the door open and pulling her inside before she could knock. She looked surprised as I hugged her. "Sirius...hi."  
  
"I'm so glad you're here," I said, then, realizing what I was doing, let her go. I cleared my throat. "Um, Harry's been pretty depressed lately. Maybe you'll make him feel better." Hermione nodded, and, without a word, took her trunk and headed up the stairs. I stared after her, wondering what she could possibly be thinking about. I slapped myself in the forehead. Idiot, you scared her again! Idiot idiot!  
  
I couldn't sleep that night, so I went down to the study. I lit a fire in the large fireplace and sat back in an armchair, closing my eyes and losing myself (as I did so often) in my thoughts. I was happy: company for the holidays, and Harry was feeling better now that Hermione had arrived and his friends had talked sense into him. But Hermione was still avoiding me.  
  
But then I heard someone clear their throat from the entrance of the room. Without turning around, I knew who it was: Hermione. "Come in," I said, opening my eyes. She came over to me and stood in front of me, in front of the fire. "Did I wake you up?"  
  
"No. I wanted to talk to you."  
  
I was surprised, to say the least. After months, she finally wanted to talk. "Alright," I said. "Um, why don't you have a seat?" She looked at the other armchair, but I pointed to my lap, halfway joking. But she sat in my lap, and I wrapped my arms around her.  
  
For a few minutes, she didn't say anything. She just stared at the fire, and I looked at her. "Hermione? What's wrong?"  
  
"I..." She slipped out from under my arms and stood up again. She cleared her throat. "When I was at school, I started to get sick...a lot. And then I realized, I, um, was pregnaut."  
  
Pregnaut? I stared at her, then glanced at her stomach. It was as flat as ever. What had happened? "Are you okay?"  
  
She nodded, and tears filled her eyes. "Yeah, I think so. I, um, fell down the stairs..."  
  
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She'd done it on purpose? "Oh, Hermione..."  
  
"There was no other way!" she cried, her voice rising. She buried her face in her hands.  
  
"Yes, there was," I whispered, reaching for her. "You could've..." But even I knew that the idea was crazy: this fifteen-year-old girl, having my child, when she had her whole life ahead of her? Not gonna happen.  
  
She stepped back, and pulled her hands away from her face. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I wasn't going to tell you, but...I just thought you should know." She looked like she wanted to leave now. I stood up, and pulled her in a hug.   
  
"It's alright, I'm the one who should be sorry." And I was. Oh, God, I was sorry. I let her go, and said, "If you want to go back to bed, go ahead."  
  
"Good night," she whispered, and disapeared. I watched her walk out, then sank into a chair, my face in my hands. I'd had sex with so many girls...what if I got some of them pregnaut, too? What if I had a bunch of kids I didn't even know about? What was I even thinking, having sex with any of them?  
  
I was haunted, for the next few months, with dreams of my "kids", coming to get revenge on me for hurting their moms. And the horrible guilt of what I'd caused Hermione to do haunted me even more. She would never be innocent again...  
  
None of these thoughts left me until that fateful spring night, when Snape came around and informed us (there was an Order meeting gathering) that Harry thought I'd been kidnapped by Voldemort, blah blah blah (you know the details). Which leads me to...  
  
Dueling with my cousin, Bellatrix. I remembered, for a fleeting second, that she'd actually been friends with Daphne (well, it fits) when they were in school. I wondered what ever happened to her...which was the second that threw me off.  
  
The flash of red light from my cousin's wand sent me falling backwards. And before I fell beyound the veil, the flashes of all those girls and women, from Cecilia to Hermione, filled my head.  
  
My final thought, before falling to my death?  
  
I should've been gay.  
  
****************************  
  
Well, that's it! Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed! Kisses to you all! You kept me going when I thought this story was going nowhere. Thank you all again! 


End file.
